Wednesday, January 30, 2008

LLoyd Alexander (1924)

Today my honorary uncle Lloyd would have been 84years old.

I started writing him when I was about 12years old (I'll be 40 this summer). We corresponded through everything in my life. He always had time for me, he always was a decent and kind human being. I can't say I would ever live up to to him or what I imagined he was like. Just knowing him gave you something to aspire to, perhaps. I loved him so much like the family I never had, and never would have. He was one of the smartest, kindest most decent people I ever have been lucky to meet, and I would have done anything for him. Honestly. He never asked anything of me no matter what I offered, he was always appreciative. He's one person had he asked me the moon I would have given it.

Not knowing me or much about me,you should know I don't trust easy. I find it hard to love people as deeply or unconditionally as that. He and his wife Janine were beyond measure. I could go on and on about what a good friend he and Janine, but especially Lloyd has been to me. I could never imagine my life without him. He always believed in me. Even when I didn't believe in myself. He seemed to have a sense of love for the people that came into his life. He was giving. He was selfless, and he hardly ever had a bad word for anyone. So of course he wasn't perfect, and who is? No one that's right. He made everything alright though, even when they weren't.

Last year, the 17th of May, 2 days before my 6th wedding anniversary, I got the devastating news that he had passed on from cancer. He smoked most his life, but it wasn't the cigarettes that got him so much. I don't know what it was, he had colon cancer or something. I honestly never knew he was ill. He was writing not just children's literature but letters to his friends almost up the end. He never told me he was sick. I don't know who knew and who didn't, but he never really let on.

I find so many times a day there are things I want to tell him and share with him. Things I'd ask him if only he were here. Adventures I've had and things I've seen, and people I've met. None of that really makes a difference if it's all gone. I imagine it perhaps. Because he isn't here to know. How much he's loved and missed and wanted and needed. He's sailed his golden ship to the Summer Country and left me behind to scrabble on the docks losing my footing now & again..

I know it's not his fault, he stayed as long as he could. He's not responsible for my life. I am. No one else. I learned what I could and then it's up to me and the rest of us to keep going, falling and getting up and teaching each other what we've learned, and perhaps helping each other when we can along the way, grasping.. reaching out for each other when, like a slippery shore, we've fallen forward and hope there's someone to catch us when we lose our balance.

Yes I know I have loved because my heart breaks every day. It's just sometimes there are things that make us forget just a little bit. Today was not one of those days. I wanted to make it right so much. Sometimes no matter how much you want things for yourself or other people, today isn't always going to be the day it happens.

sorry if this post is too long, it had to be said.

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