Sunday, November 01, 2015

Letting Go Without Forgetting

North Berkeley Leaf
Letting Go.

There's plenty out there on letting people go..
forgiving the truely evil that entered your life
(and have done you emotional/physical harm)..

Getting rid of toxic people,
like 5 Simple Steps to end bad relationships..
But what about keeping the good ones??
What about attracting the right people into your life and knowing,
recognizing and being the sort of person that keeps them there..
Some people pass through and that's fine.. but what if you'd like them to stay for coffee??
or maybe hang out and watch a movie? (or whatever?)
Stuff happens.
People fade from view, move on, get forgetful..
but what if you see people in your life you want to know but don't know how to keep a path clear?
Life is messy.
People get busy. People lose sight of each other.
Sometimes we don't think we have space for the new.
Sometimes we hold on to the wrong things longer than we should..
We clutter the path with good intentions but lose sight of the journey as a whole.
It's hard to know.
How can you stretch an open hand when you are still clutching?

I suppose you can't name every person you have ever met, done business with, or been friends with:
not EVERY person.
Some people may have been friends and you didn't realize it: quietly advocating on your behalf, wishing you well.. hoping for you.
There are probably much more that don't pass a thought for you, and why should they?
You were a transaction, a moment in the endless rotating belt of groceries that scan through.
One of a million..
but a million or more still.

Then there's those people we let in, those 'toxic' people..
We don't know they are toxic til they've sucked us in, we imagine; taking our soul, f 'd up our life in some manner..
Committed some soul crime against us.
I've known people like that and yes, I've been accused of such things..
They're good to be rid of me and I'm good to be rid of people like that, no??
But honestly, I don't feel that way. That was a learning experience for me. I still care about that person in that I hope they found their true life path and are happy.
That's good enough for me.

Some people are pulled screaming from our life, and we think we can't live without them.
It hurts but we learn to move on.
We live.
Some people spend forever wondering why they had to go; why they left.
Death is permanent.
How can we find them so we can get that closure? I learned a long time ago that if I was meant to 'find' these people, they would be found.
I stopped looking,
I learned to live my life and be the best person I could without or despite them.
In the end I don't think it matters that I didn't find them. At my base level, I am a happy person.
I had a good life.
I had people that cared about me, took care of me and made a family for me.
I'm good.
That's not to say my jar of happiness is full..
the jar expands to fit all the goodness and joy that can be had and shared..
on the other hand there's people that come back so different (me being different too) for our experiences and journeys that there's nothing there.
We are totally different people.
Sometimes that path you follow leads you away..

And when the path leads you away, becomes so tangled or toxic, maybe it is best to snip it away.
Let go of the dead leaves, the rotton produce..
allow room for new shoots to grow.
Often there are marks where things have been lost..
bruises and scarring.
You can't pretend it never happened, that the people in your life don't exist..
but they are part of you history, your past.
You don't have to acknowledge them anymore, but..
you don't need to pretend they never exisited.

Know that you aren't perfect, that not everyone fits in your life all the time or forever.
Know there are people who love you and want you in their life despite your flaws..
Know you always have room for improvement and that even if you can't keep all the people you meet, you will meet new people (people you may already know about & just haven't met) who won't think you're a jinx,
or possibly have new lessons for you..
and new adventures to share.

I may let people go, but I will never forget them..
Sometimes I worry that my path is so short now that I might not get to meet anyone new, not learn as much as I possibly can,
and my adventures are almost over.
I know I'm not perfect.. (and I've become even more wary of people these if that's possible!)
but then no one else I've ever met in my life is perfect either,
and I'm glad for every one of them..
and any of the new, brave souls I should open myself to along the way..

We try to be good people,
and it doesn't always work out.
We aren't as good as we could be,
should be,
or aspire..
and for some people that will never be enough.
Finding a balance, and not giving up,
or forgetting the winding path we've taken.
I don't know for certain how to consciously attract the good,
but I can clear the negativity ahead to
make room for the pre-exisitng good
and for the new without losing hope.

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