What We Leave Behind

I had an overly emotional moment in an independant bookstore last evening when I found another copy of a certain history book for sale signed in a personal way to the author's uncle dated 1982; I mean WtF people? Don't you have any respect for your own friends/ family?

I know it's just a book, but books have life in them by those that wrote them and those that loved them. There's a reason I call something a 'keeper': the item is worth keeping and cherishing. Certainly not all books are keepers to all people, but there are some, that depending on the person, they hold and cherish and love and read and their finger smudges and dna get all over them and in them (and yes,that sounds gross) but it is so with any object. You are infusing your possession with your energy and emotions, (or cigarette smoke at the least!)

Getting back to this, I couldn't breathe. I immediately thought again of an incident my dearest friend had when he discovered his nephew had sold off some valuable things my friend had given his sister over the years; signed books and art.. whatnot.. why had the nephew not given these items back to his uncle when his mother had passed on?? I don't have an answer for it and I will never know.. except that it hurt my friend very much.

I had just come from another store where I'd found a couple French translations (one my Honorary Uncle had done) and it had made me happy in a bittersweet way, knowing he was still alive through print and relevant.. "When you write you live forever and" what was I babbling this morning? .."your soul is bound through your words", and the works you leave behind as well, I would think.

It was all I could do to just leave the shop and keep from crying in public. I really hate that sort of thing, but I ended up walking down Bancroft, hands in my pocket with my face continually leaking.. I went to the Central Library at that point thinking I might have some sort of luck finding the book I was actually after (nope!) The library actually calmed and centered me so that was something. Maybe Ray Bradbury was right about surrounding yourself with books, sniffing the pages and climbing the stacks, (which I did not do!) I left still unhappy but at least not threatening to leak out my eyes anymore, instead I think I was sadly annoyed. What is that? frustrated? I'm sure there's a better word.

It's had me thinking about what we leave behind. I know most things aren't important. Your clothes, your shoes, most of your things.. everything is replaceable. The 5 or 10 items that are YOU or that you hold dear, however are not and go with you regardless of where you end up, and when you can no longer move on.. those are the things you don't want to end up in some used bookstore or auction or whatever. Give them to someone trusted, that will cherish the item too, and not see it as so much waste. Have some respect for people's things. Don't hold on to what isn't yours, but certainly don't just give it to the next person along the way. Find a home for it.

LLoyd Alexander (1924)

Today my honorary uncle Lloyd would have been 84years old.

I started writing him when I was about 12years old (I'll be 40 this summer). We corresponded through everything in my life. He always had time for me, he always was a decent and kind human being. I can't say I would ever live up to to him or what I imagined he was like. Just knowing him gave you something to aspire to, perhaps. I loved him so much like the family I never had, and never would have. He was one of the smartest, kindest most decent people I ever have been lucky to meet, and I would have done anything for him. Honestly. He never asked anything of me no matter what I offered, he was always appreciative. He's one person had he asked me the moon I would have given it.

Not knowing me or much about me,you should know I don't trust easy. I find it hard to love people as deeply or unconditionally as that. He and his wife Janine were beyond measure. I could go on and on about what a good friend he and Janine, but especially Lloyd has been to me. I could never imagine my life without him. He always believed in me. Even when I didn't believe in myself. He seemed to have a sense of love for the people that came into his life. He was giving. He was selfless, and he hardly ever had a bad word for anyone. So of course he wasn't perfect, and who is? No one that's right. He made everything alright though, even when they weren't.

Last year, the 17th of May, 2 days before my 6th wedding anniversary, I got the devastating news that he had passed on from cancer. He smoked most his life, but it wasn't the cigarettes that got him so much. I don't know what it was, he had colon cancer or something. I honestly never knew he was ill. He was writing not just children's literature but letters to his friends almost up the end. He never told me he was sick. I don't know who knew and who didn't, but he never really let on.

I find so many times a day there are things I want to tell him and share with him. Things I'd ask him if only he were here. Adventures I've had and things I've seen, and people I've met. None of that really makes a difference if it's all gone. I imagine it perhaps. Because he isn't here to know. How much he's loved and missed and wanted and needed. He's sailed his golden ship to the Summer Country and left me behind to scrabble on the docks losing my footing now & again..

I know it's not his fault, he stayed as long as he could. He's not responsible for my life. I am. No one else. I learned what I could and then it's up to me and the rest of us to keep going, falling and getting up and teaching each other what we've learned, and perhaps helping each other when we can along the way, grasping.. reaching out for each other when, like a slippery shore, we've fallen forward and hope there's someone to catch us when we lose our balance.

Yes I know I have loved because my heart breaks every day. It's just sometimes there are things that make us forget just a little bit. Today was not one of those days. I wanted to make it right so much. Sometimes no matter how much you want things for yourself or other people, today isn't always going to be the day it happens.


sorry if this post is too long, it had to be said.